Competing Identities as an Artist and a Mom

Being a human is one thing. Being a human that identifies with being a woman, a mom, an artist, a spouse, a friend, and literally so many other identities is another. I often wonder if I shall spend the rest of my life here on earth digesting the reality of being a complex human. Will I ever get to a place where I can say, I think I’ve learned just about everything there is to learn about myself. I feel totally confident in who I am and what I stand for and nothing can shake that. It’s most unlikely. 

Here’s the thing. I love learning new things about myself. I can appreciate being a complex human. Learning new qualities and passions of mine for the rest of my life does actually sound exciting. I can get on board with that. The only problem is that it’s unrealistic for me to assume that’s the only part of myself that I live with. Parts of myself like feeling confused about what I truly want in life, going through seasons of loneliness, and being hit with self-doubt are regular experiences I have to process too. 

I’m currently processing what it means to be an artist (and the desire to have some kind of career in a creative field) as well as a mom who spends her days caring for a toddler and soon to be another little one joining us in just a couple of weeks. These three identities, a mom, an artist, and an individual (I’m still just me) are having a very difficult time merging in the ways I want or need them to. I often feel most inspired when they seem to be in harmony with one another. Like when my toddler plays on his own for 30 minutes while I get to listen to an audiobook and work on a painting. Music to my sweet ears. Or just sitting in silence for 30 minutes without being touched or climbed on. Or my toddler is happily playing at one of his friend’s houses and I get to spend some time alone while creating. Dare I say that almost sounds better than dessert (and that’s coming from a 37 week pregnant woman who's been craving sweets for her entire pregnancy). 

I’m feeling trapped in the reality of being a complex being with a long list of complex identities that demand to be front and center. 

I do want to take a moment to recognize that these identities don’t define my soul, whatever that means. I believe I am more than the identities of this world. But that’s all I’ll say about that.

Making artwork right now that feels genuine, that I’m excited about, and that I want to share with others feels hard to come by. Being a mom who is tuned in to her son’s needs, is ready to put aside her own needs, and respond to tantrums with grace and patience feels really hard to come by these days. Experiencing being my own person who has emotions and thoughts outside of being an artist and a mom feels near impossible. 

In writing this blog, I’m trying to convince myself to view this struggle through the lens of learning about my complex self, the negative and positive parts, is a life-long process that ebbs and flows. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don’t. And that’s okay. I guess I feel a little more convinced of that coming to the end of this, but I know I’ll have to remind myself of that over and over again for the rest of the day.