I have the day to myself. Well, most of the day.
I got Sparrow out of bed. I watched him play in the cold water in his tiny blue swimming pool that was filled yesterday. I took off his wet pajamas and got him ready for the day, although he was ready for the day as soon as he stood up in his crib. I ate pancakes and sausage with Joel and Sparrow before I left. Then I sat in my car for 15 minutes trying to decide where I should go have some “me” time. Alone.
I think I’m an introvert, even though I love spending time with a small group of close friends regularly. As I write this out, I’m almost brought to tears because I realize that I haven’t been alone (being without the responsibility to care for another human being) for a while. And it feels good. It feels really good to have an extended period of time where I can focus on one thing. Me. And I mean that in the most non-selfish way I can.
Even during nap times, when I try and work on art projects or just take a moment to myself, my mind is still distracted. I know the time I have is limited and it’s never very consistent. I’m still responsible.
But this morning after I left, I drove to a coffee shop where I parked my car. I saw a farmers market that I decided to walk through. I looked at fresh produce stands, a jeweler, and a whimsical artist without any other responsibility other than me. And maybe having self control to not buy anything. Then I got a large cold brew and sat in the back room of a coffee shop that usually is filled with chatter from people, but was surprisingly dead.
Here I have no responsibility (after I responded to some emails about my upcoming markets). I keep having to reign in my tears because this feeling, of having space to explore my thoughts in peace, is so deeply refreshing. And I think it makes me emotional because I realize how easy it is to neglect this part of me.
This is the mental space that I wish I could always create from. I wonder how my art would reflect it.